I am officially 19 days deep into this motherhood thing. I am sitting here on my couch as my son swings (after much protest) and drinking my hot coffee after a rough night of a terrible headache and a cranky baby. I can physically see the changes around my house, baby lotion and bottles on the coffee table, the pack and play in the living room, the car seat ready to go, and diapers and wipes scattered all over the house. I can see the physical evidence on myself, the stretch marks and extra skin from carrying Judah for 40 weeks.
There are also a lot of non physical changes that take place when you bring a baby home. The emotions that you experience cannot completely be described. I immediately felt the difference in my marriage, watching my husband become a dad has given me so much joy, but I have also mourned the life that was once just the two of us. It is incredible how much you love this small person, yet you also have some difficulty realizing how drastically different your life will be, forever. The change is good, and the change is filled with lots of giggles, sweet baby snuggles, and cute baby onesies. The change is also riddled with guilt that you are doing something wrong, that you’re going to ruin this small baby already because you truly have no idea what you’re doing, you’re just trying to survive.
In the midst of trying to figure out this new life, I have read many articles that tell you that your baby should be sleeping through the night, you should be exclusively breastfeeding at every hour of the day, you shouldn’t let them sleep with you, you should let them sleep on you, you shouldn’t let your baby cry at all, a few tears never harmed anyone, and the list could go on and on. What I have found personally is that becoming a parent is 99.9% instinct. I was exclusively breastfeeding, until I decided that it wasn’t working for my family, we were all miserable, there were many tears, so now I exclusively pump. There is nothing wrong with whatever we decide as families for our children and ourselves.
Before I was a parent it was extremely easy to judge others on what they were doing, I often said “I’d NEVER do that with my child.” and some of these things, I now do with Judah. It is scary to be solely responsible for this human, it is exhausting, frustrating, incredible, but can feel like a heavy burden. I hope that as Aaron and I continue to make decisions that are best for our family, we can have empathy for other parents and caregivers. If we could all have more empathy, putting ourselves in others shoes, understanding that we have all come from different places, different beliefs, and different homes. There have been many tears over the past 19 days feeling that I should have it all together as a mom, my house shouldn’t be such a hot mess, the laundry has been sitting in the dryer for no less than 3 days, and the dishes barely get done. Now though, I’m giving up carrying the burden that I should be all together, that I should be doing things a certain way, I want to snuggle with Judah as much as possible before I look back and he’s grown up right before my eyes. I want to rock my baby to sleep and let him snuggle next to me before he doesn’t like my kisses anymore.
So today, I’m giving up trying to follow everyone else’s ideas of what is best for my child. I hope to raise him to be strong, independent, reliant on Jesus, kind, and thoughtful. However I get there, whether that is through cosleeping, or breastfeeding, or babywearing, or crying it out, or none of the above it is going to be the best that I can give to my son. I pray that we can break down the judgement and the hurt that parents throw at each other and remind ourselves that we are really all trying to do the same thing; raise functional human beings.
So go out and love your babes because they are only small for a very short time.
whoweare 